Future of Porn

My alarm woke me at the usual time, six thirty. That got me a shower while there was still hot water and a chance to get to my eight o”clock class on time. I started to get out of bed when I realized something was different. Oh ya, I was naked. Then I remember all that had happened the previous evening/night. Hmmm, should I make the short trip to the bathroom this way? Eric”s girl friend was most likely sleeping over, but I have never seen her up before I left in the morning. The same was even true for all my roommates, and their occasional “guests”. It was low risk so I decided to go for it.

I opened the door and took three steps toward the bathroom, when the bathroom door opened. I hadn”t even noticed it was closed. I froze like a deer in the headlights of an on coming semi.

“Well, isn”t that special!” Annie said, absorbing the full frontal view. “I should get up early more often when I am here. I had no idea what I was missing!” Smiled and continued to check me out. She always talked about sex and Eric was always sharing how wild she was, but we all thought it was just talk.

“Good morning,” I said as casually as I could and contented toward her and the bathroom. I was embarrassed, but turning back wouldn”t take it back. Just press on and get into the bathroom as quickly as possible. As I was about to pass her, she reached out and grabbed my cock.

“Nice tool.” She gave it a couple of pumps as I reached down to release myself from her grip. “Maybe we could try it out sometime when Eric is away.” She smiled.

“I don”t think so,” I said as freed myself and continued to the bathroom.

She swatted my on the ass and said, “You don”t know what you are missing! Let me know if you change your mind.”

I slipped into the bathroom and closed the door. Fuck! That was not what I wanted to happen. Oh well, it was done now. I locked the door and resumed my normal morning routine, shower, shave, brush teeth, and comb hair, with a new twist - wear towel back to my room. I could just envision Annie standing their waiting. When I emerged there was no one in the hall. I made it back to my room and off to class without further event.

I didn”t focus very well in class. I was reliving the previous evening, the incident of the morning, thinking about Kathy, and what tomorrow would hold. Dreading what flak I would get at home after Annie blabbed to everyone else. Class finally finished. Time was going by so slow. I went to the coffee shop and got a mocha, as usual. There wasn”t anything particular to do, other than kill time before my next class. The rest morning dragged out with my last class finally ending at noon I headed home. At least I didn”t have any more classes until Monday.

I walked in the door and found Annie stretched out on the couch. “Hi!” Said as I closed the door. “No one is here and Eric will not be back from class for an other hour. You sure you don”t want to fool around? I have been thinking about you all morning.”

“Uh, no. Thanks” I replied. Embarrassed, I ducked into the kitchen. I nuked up some leftovers for lunch, grabbed a beer, and headed up to my room. Seeing Kathy”s towel, I gathered up a load of laundry and returned down stairs and started it in the washer. Annie didn”t say anything as I returned back up stairs.

I closed my door, set my lunch on my desk, and turned the stereo on. Sitting at my desk I downed my lunch and the beer. I was busy doing nothing and thinking of Kathy and tomorrow. That jogged my memory as I saw my laptop, better plug it in and get a full charge on the battery so Kathy could use it tomorrow. I trundled down stairs again to dump my dirty plate in the dishwasher and grab another beer, hoping to avoid Annie in the process. I got lucky and made it back to my room with the beer and without any harassment from Annie. Parking myself on my bed I listed to the music from the local Rock station and polished off my beer. I thought about working on the programming project I had due the following Friday, but decided to take a nap instead. Stretching out I was asleep in a matter of minutes.

I heard a knock at the door, so got up and opened the door. Kathy was there, “I missed you and decided to drop by.” She pushed her way in and closed the door. She pushed me onto the bed and started to climb on top of me. There as a knock on the door again, this time louder. I opened my eyes. Dang, Kathy wasn”t there. It was just a dream.

“You in there Bill?” It was my roommate Matt.

“Ya, what do ya want?”

“We are going over to the O for drinks. You coming?”

I looked at the clock. Seven o”clock. Dang, I had slept all afternoon. “Ya, be down in a minute.” I climbed out of bed, looked down at my shirt. Not too wrinkled, no need to change. Wandering out of my room and to the bathroom I check my hair. Yup, bed head. I stuck my head in the sink, wetting my hear, and combing it out. That”s better, at least acceptable and I went down stairs.

“Hey, flasher!” It was Eric, obviously Annie had told him about this morning. “Trying to steal my girlfriend? All you have to do is ask!” I could feel face turning red with the embarrassment. I went to hide the laundry room and found my stuff already dried and piled in my basket. Although everything was wrinkled, at least they bothered to run it through the dryer.

Annie was nowhere to be seen. The sick thing was that Eric probably meant it. “No, you can have her.” Annie qualified as “cute”, being a little over weight, but was not as good looking as Kathy … At least in my view.

“Oh, that”s right. Rick says you have a woman you are hiding from us. That Kathy chick? What”s the matter, is she dog ugly or something?” Rick started laughing, he was sitting on the couch with his girlfriend, Allison.

I must have been bright red by the time I said, “Geez, I just met her yesterday and had one lousy phone conversation. Heck, it”s not like I snuck her in here last night, bopped her brains out, and then snuck her out again… Like some people here.” I gestured to Eric and Matt. They had both done that, Eric almost getting busted by Annie. As far as I knew, she didn”t know about it yet.

“Let”s get over to the O before the lines get too long.” It was Matt. He was the most sympathetic in defending my virgin status and was in general, not as comfortable discussing or teasing about someone”s sex life.

“OK, just don”t hide her from us too long. We to see what you have landed.” Eric said heading for to the door and pushing me forward.

“I don”t know that you deserve to meet her. You all are such sleaze bags you might scare her away!”

We all laughed and started the five minute walk to the bar. That was the end of my torture, as talk turned to gripping about class assignments and tests, who might be at the bar tonight, and what to do Saturday night. At the bar I ordered a burger and fries with my first beer, We staked out a table in our usual corner of the room. I was slow getting to the table, so I ended up with the seat facing the wall. So much for checking out the drunk bimbos. The mirror that covered the wall was so old and distorted it belonged in the hall of mirror for some circus.

The evening progress, like so many before. Round after round of beers were consumed, people we knew dropped by to chat, we speculated about the chicks by the bar. I was talking to Matt when a pair of hands covered my eyes. “Guess who,” was softly spoken into my ear. I could feel her head just over my shoulder. The female voice was familiar, but I wasn”t connecting. I could smell her perfume and I liked it. I pulled here hands down and turned to look. It was Kathy!

“Next time no cheating and you had better guess right!” She said as she stood up and smiled, leaving a hand on my shoulder. “Who are these guys you are hanging out with?”

“These are my roommates; Matt, Eric, and Rick. I haven”t seen you here before.” I tuned them out and focused on her.

“My roommate, Sarah, met a guy and was meeting him here for drinks, but didn”t want to go alone.” She pointed to a couple over by the bar. “She is doing fine, so as the third wheel I was about to head home when I saw you. Mind if I join you for a bit, before I go?”

“No, not at all!” Eric, was all over it. Getting up to look for an extra chair.

“That”s all right, I”ll just sit here on Bill”s lap. OK?” Looking to me for confirmation.

I smiled like a stupid school boy and slid my chair back enough for her to drop into my lap. She set her beer down next to mine and draped her free arm around my shoulders.

My roommates were shell shocked and it showed on their faces.

“So you guys, what should I know about Bill here? I just met him yesterday and I”m not sure if I should trust him or not.”

Oh, shit! It was now open season on me. What crap did they have on me? I doubted that Matt would say or do anything very mean, but Rick and particularly Eric scared me.

True to form, Eric and Rick started in on me being a computer geek, recounted my night driving the porcelain bus, and then started making things up. Matt tried to help me deflect some of the lies, but Kathy seemed to see through it and giggled.

I never thought I would be happy to see Annie again, but she showed up. She winked at me in approval and after being introduced to Kathy, dragged Eric off to dance. I wasn”t sure if she really wanted to dance, or just wanted to get Eric away from Kathy. In either case I was glad he was gone. Matt shifted over to Eric”s chair, freeing up the seat next to mine for Kathy, but she reminded on my lap. Which was just fine with me. I was drinking the contact with Kathy and the scent of her perfume.

After another round of beers, Kathy announced “I have to get up early tomorrow, so I”ll be going. Bill, can you walk me to my car?” And she slid off my lap and stood up.

“Sure.” I said and stood up too.

“Nice to meet you guys, and thank for the dirt on Bill!” She turned and headed for the door.

“I”ll be back in a bit,” I said as I turned to follow her to her car.

Just outside the bar she reached over and held my hand. Our pace slowed as we continued toward her car.

“I”m glad I saw you here. I”ve been thinking about you today.” She said, giving me a bump with her hip.

“Me too,” I said. “Even when I was napping this afternoon.” Oh shit, why did I say that. That was too much.

“Oh, really? You were dreaming about me? Tell me about it!”

“Actually, it wasn”t much. I dreamed that you knocked on my bedroom door, and when I opened it you pushed me on the bed. That”s when Matt woke me up to come here.”

“Come on, there had to be more to it than that!”

“OK, you closed the door and started to jump on top of me, but that was it. Honest.”

“Well, that”s a little better. At least I wasn”t a sex starved slut.” She smiled and leaned into me with her shoulder.

“So, what were you thinking of me today?” I asked.

“Promise you won”t freak on me?”

“Ya.”

“I was wondering what it would be like to sit on your lap and have you hold me in your arms. What it would be like to snuggle up with you on the couch and watch a movie. Stupid, romantic stuff.”

“That doesn”t sound so stupid to me. Actually, it was really nice to have you sitting on my lap. It surprised me, but I honestly liked it.”

We reached her car. With her free hand she fished her key from her pocket and unlocked the door. Looking me in the eye she asked “I”ll see you in the morning?”

“Yes, I wouldn”t miss it.”

She squeezed my hand, “OK, see you then.” And she got in her car and drove away.

I turned to go back inside, knowing the punishment I was about to get from my roommates. I walked in, straight back to the table, and sat down at the table.

Looking around, no one said a word until Matt opened his mouth. “Kathy”s a real catch. It seems like she really likes you. I hope it works out for whatever you two want.”

“She”s a lucky girl. I hope knows it and doesn”t let you go.” It was Annie. For all the joking around and the meeting the hall that morning, I never expected that from her.

I was dumbfounded, and a little scared. It wasn”t like these guys to be so serious. “Come on, lighten up. We only met yesterday.”

“Just don”t screw it up. You have a chance at something real and something good. Take it from me, I know from experience. One night stands are fun, but never touch what you can have in a real relationship.” Wow, that from Rick, Mr. One-Night-Stand himself.

“OK, I get the point.”

“So where did you meet?” Asked Matt.

“Would you believe at an interview for a modeling job over at the community college. For one of their basic art classes. I was interviewing with the instructor before class, and Kathy was the model for that night. The instructor had me stay to see what it was like, and Kathy and I ended up going out for an ale after class.”

“Oooh, ale. Fancy stuff. You mean we have been wasting our time in bars, drinking beer, trying to pick up on chicks, when we should have been hanging out in art classes over at the community college and drinking ale? Dang! I have to remember that one.” Rick said, and we all laughed.

We had another round of beers and then walked home. Annie came home with us and dragged Eric of to his room for some more “exercise.” The rest of us dropped down in front of the TV as Matt surfed for something anyone was interested in. I was hard to believe, but even on the pirated cable, premium channels and all, we didn”t find anything after half and hour of searching. I decided to call it a night and went up to bed.

I crawled in bed naked again, thinking of Kathy. Wishing that she were her to snuggle up with and hold. I thought I could still smell her perfume. I closed my eyes and could see her floating in the moonlight, standing in the moonlight wet from the water, stand on the platform smiling at me, and just sitting across the table from me drinking an ale. I couldn”t wait for the morning to come and I could see her again.

I woke to my alarm going off. Dang! I should have set it for seven thirty or eight, six thirty was too early for a Saturday morning. I reset the alarm and tried to go back to sleep. It wasn”t working, I just kept thinking about seeing Kathy. Wondering what would happen today. Finally at seven I gave up, turned off the alarm, and headed for the shower. This time I wore a towel, but this time there was no need.

I was down stairs watching cartoons and eating cereal by seven forty five. Annie came down stairs at about eight. She was wearing Eric”s robe, not an uncommon thing on weekend morning. The shocker was that took the robe off and stood before me nude. “Now we are even for yesterday morning, and just a peek at what you could have if Kathy doesn”t work out or you want a little on the side.” She put the robe back on. She didn”t look as bad as I had imagined. No rolls or ripples, just pudgy.

“Well, thanks, but you didn”t have to do that and you know I don”t fool around. Not to mention with my roommate”s woman.”

“You are a prude. Some day you will wake up and beg for it.” An she headed back up stairs.

A moment later Rick emerged from his downstairs bedroom. “What the fuck was that?” He said with a chuckle. “Did I hear right? Did Annie just come on to you? And what was that about yesterday morning?”

“Ya, you would think that the way Eric talks she would be more than satisfied. As for yesterday, she caught me walking from my room to the bathroom with nothing on. I wasn”t thinking, I mean no one around here has ever been up that early.”

“Oh, shit. You are never going to live that down. What are you doing up so early? You should be in bed dreaming about Kathy. I was.”

“I woke up and couldn”t get back to sleep. Anyway, I need to leave in forty five minutes anyway. Kathy invited me along to hang out with some of her friends at some lake.”

“Cool. Sounds like you two are really hitting it off.” Just then Melissa poked her head out of Rick”s door. She was one of Rick”s more regular “guests.”

“What are you boys doing?” She had one of Rick”s T-shirts on, like a nightshirt, and I wasn”t sure if she had much else on. From the little peaks on her chest, she was not wearing a bra.

“What does it look like? Watching TV and talking about Bill”s new girlfriend.” Rick replied.

Melissa went to the kitchen and reappeared with a glass of orange juice, dropping down in the recliner of the end of the couch. As she folded her legs up on the seat, Rick and I got a clear view of her bush. No undies there! Either she didn”t care or didn”t know about her exposure, as we all just sat back and watched the tube.

As the ads started to run for the change of shows at nine o”clock I headed up to my room to pack my things for the day. I took all the notebooks and books from backpack and replaced them with my laptop, towel, bathing suit, Kathy”s towel, a novel, and the text book from the general ed. history class. Like I would really read the five chapters I was behind.

I returned down stairs to find Melissa curled up next to Rick on the couch. The shirt she was wearing and ridden up, showing of her legs and ass. And how nice they were!

“Hey, Bill!” Rick called out as I was about to step through the door.

I looked back over my shoulder, “Ya, what?” And Rick pulled up Melissa”s shirt, flashing her boobs at me. Ooo, those were nice too! I could see the tan lines from a bikini top on her round, full breasts. She didn”t do anything for a couple of seconds and I just soaked in the view, as Rick smiled.

“That”s enough!” Melissa finally said, pulling the shirt back down. “Any more and you will have to pay! Just like all the other perverts that come to watch me dance.” That was new information, she was a stripper.

I completed my exit and drove over to Kathy”s place. It was a little difficult finding the right apartment building in her complex, but I managed and finally climbed to the stairs to here second floor apartment. Knocking on the door, I waited a few seconds, and the door opened. It was Kathy in her silky red robe from the other night.

“Good morning! Come on in.” She said.

Entering I could see Sarah in the kitchen, over the counter top. She was wearing a bikini top and fixing something to eat.

“That is Sarah.” Kathy said pointing. “Sarah, this is Bill. He is coming with us today.”

“Hi, Bill. I saw Kathy sit with you for a while last night. Nice to actually meet you.”

“My other roommate, Carri, is still getting ready. Why don”t you come back to my room while we wait.” I followed her, still a carrying my backpack.

Here room was typical of a college coed; a desk, dresser, single bed.

“What did you bring?” She asked.

I sat on her bed and opened my backpack. As I did, she pushed the door mostly closed.

“I brought back your towel, clean.” I pulled it out and handed it to her. “My towel, swim suit, laptop, and a couple of books.”

“Well, I don”t think you will need your swim suit, unless you are giving up on nudie day. Why don”t we get started now?” She slipped off her robe and sat next to me on the bed. “Your turn. You can leave that here, right?” And she pull my swim suit out and tossed it to the corner of the room.

I sat there for a few seconds, totally not having expected this.

“Well?” She questioned. “Do you want me to help you?”

I snapped out of it. “Uh, just a sec.” And I pulled my T-shirt off and slid my shorts and underwear off. With that I sprouted a hard on. There I was sitting with only my shoes and socks on.

“Don”t worry about that.” Kathy said looking at my cock, “We”ll let you relax a bit before we go back out into the other room. It”s natural anyway, kind of a complement. At least that is how I will interpret it.” She smiled.

I was about to stuff my clothes into my backpack, when she said “You”ll only need your shirt, the rest you can leave here. If you need to cover up, a towel will do.” I hesitated a second, then tossed my shorts and underwear over with my swim suit.

Mandy’s eyes met mine, an unspoken command passed. I kneeled beside Paulina then crouched over her, slipped my cock into her mouth, and she, so accepting now, took it. Mandy crawled down her body, went down on her, our slave princess, and we used her as a vessel, filled her up with our lust.

* * *

When I woke up, Paulina was beside me, pressed as close as possible, her body weak and tired, but her eyes wide open and watching me. On her other side was Mandy, fast asleep, no panties, but her black dress still on, pulled up sloppily past her hips. I had fucked her several times as well, for the first time in a long time, but she hadn’t allowed me to come inside her, she had forced me to come on Paulina each time.

Paulina looked used up, the sparkle in her eyes had burned out. She placed her arm over my chest and hugged me close.

“You can never let me go now,” she said, her voice hoarse, “you and her.”

I said nothing to her. What could I say? What I had done was inconceivable, unconscionable. I had taken something pure and destroyed it.

“You can’t.”

“I know.”

* * *

The next morning, when we all woke up, there were no words spoken. Paulina watched Mandy silently as she stepped out of bed, took off her fancy dress and tossed it in the corner, then slipped into a light robe. She looked down at Paulina with a look of pity on her face.

“Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up, sweetheart.”

Paulina did as she was told, disappearing into the bathroom, and before long, the sound of the shower began. Mandy slipped back into bed and snuggled up beside me.

“How do you feel, Jack?”

I stared at her, my eyes open and uncomprehending. “I feel—what I did to that poor girl—”

“You can never get well until you face your sickness. Paulina knew why she was here.”

I stayed silent. Nothing I could have said, nothing she could have said, would have taken away the feeling of dread inside me.

“You were wonderful last night, Jack. We haven’t made love in so long. Not since we lost the…”

But I wasn’t listening to her. What we had done wasn’t making love; it was something far beneath that. Far beneath. I wasn’t even sure I knew how to love anymore.

The shower turned off. A few minutes later, Paulina emerged from the bathroom, dressed again in her jeans and sorority sweatshirt, looking a bit more pale and haggard than she had the night before. She stood at the end of the bed, her arms wrapped tightly around her body, unsure of what to say. Mandy rose from the bed, found her purse on top of the dresser, and began to pick through it. What she took from it was a wad of cash.

” ”

“God, she can’t do it like this, can she?”

“Seven dollars an hour, I think we said,” she told Paulina, who could only stand motionless, her eyes locked on the money in Mandy’s hand. Mandy held it out to her, and Paulina only stared. “Here’s eighty-four, thank you so much, sweetheart.”

A shaky hand reached for the money, clutched it until her knuckles turned white. Paulina shifted her tired eyes to me as if looking for answers, and I wanted to vomit. I wanted to take the money from her, throw it on the bed and light it on fire, I wanted to burn the whole God damned thing down, the house, myself, Paulina, Mandy.

But I did nothing. Mandy placed her hand gently on the small of Paulina’s back and kissed her lightly on the lips.

“I’ll see you at the meeting on Sunday, okay?”

“Okay… Professor Ellison.”

As she walked out of the room, Paulina’s eyes met with mine for a moment, and then she was gone.

* * *

That day, when Mandy went back to class, it was as if nothing happened. My day carried on as usual, I watched television, drank beer, made lunch for Robbie, slept away the afternoon in my beat up easy chair. In the middle of it all, I thought about Paulina, about the glow of life in her eyes that I had stolen from her.

To make matters worse, Robbie was incredibly distant with me all day. He didn’t even eat the lunch I prepared for him. When he wasn’t hiding away in his room, he was standing there, on the staircase, not speaking, only watching me. The look in his eyes was that of silent judgment, as if he knew everything that had gone on the night before, and now even he condemned me for my sickness.

As evening settled, I wandered upstairs to the bed, laid down, tried to pick up Paulina’s scent from the sheets I had not yet cleaned. She was there, all over. Mingled with my scent and Mandy’s, but she was there.

I settled into the bed, hoping if I closed my eyes, I could imagine what it was like to be there with her, sharing loving, tender moments. In my mind, there was no leather or chains, no pain or tears. In my mind, I didn’t use her, nor did we use each other, rather, in our moments of breathless ecstasy, we made each other whole, two pieces of something broken brought back together. And in my mind, Mandy wasn’t there.

Before my imagination could wander any further, the sound of the front door opening echoed up the stairs. I slipped from the comfort of the bed where I had taken Paulina and moved to the top of the stairs. Mandy was there, and following the monotony of my day, I was pleased to see her. But she had with her another girl.

She gazed up the stairs at me and smiled. “I brought home a sitter, Jack. For Robbie.”

The girl had a stuck-up air about her, and I disliked her almost immediately. She had a wise grin on her face as she spoke, like she knew something I didn’t. “Yeah,” she said, “I’m here to watch Robbie.”

* * *

Her name was Linda, or Lisa, or something. She was nothing like Paulina; she was older, more aggressive. When we discussed her pay, she demanded eight dollars an hour. Paulina had demanded nothing. Even when we tied her down, she was noisy and belligerent, demanding to be fucked, not submitting. Her moans were loud and transparent, probably the same noises she used when she fucked Jimmy Frat-boy in the back of his pickup truck on Friday night. She was not sweet, she was not pure, she was used already.

And so it was with the other girls Mandy brought home. They were all different, they felt different, smelled different, tasted different. Like nothing. I was nothing with them. Night after night, Mandy brought sitters home, all of them Sigma Sigma Delta sisters, all of them the same, yet none of them like Paulina. I found myself becoming repulsed by them, to the point that I could hardly bear to be with them, yet it was only through sheer will and my sickness that I took them.

It wasn’t until a Monday night, two weeks later, that I saw Paulina again. That night, when Mandy arrived home, Linda or Lisa was with her. I could hardly bring myself to look at the disgusting girl, her face was plastered with makeup, her body packed into a tiny, form-fitting red dress that exaggerated every curve of her filthy body so that she looked like a hooker. When she saw me, her ruby-red painted lips curled into a sneer.

“Hi, lover. I’m here to baby-sit for Robbie again.” She laughed.

And Mandy laughed. She was still my wife, and I loved her as much as I could love anybody, but at that single moment, I resented her for bringing that filthy cow back into our house.

I was unable to hide the scorn on my face any longer, and I knew both of them could see it. The girl only snickered, and I could see that my scorn was only making her more excited.

“What’s wrong, lover?”

“You disgust me—”

Mandy stepped forward, shocked. “Jack!”

“It’s okay, “Professor”,” the girl said, her voice so full of sass that I would have done anything to shut her up, “he’s just feeling a little hostile because it’s been so long.” She moved closer to me, and I stepped away, not wanting to be touched by her, not wanting to be anywhere near her.

“You’re a filthy little bitch,” I said, my voice not much more than a hoarse growl. “I fucking hate you.”

“But it doesn’t stop you from fucking me,” the soothing, melodic tone of her voice making me want to choke her.”

“I fuck you because I’m sick.”

“That’s right, Jack,” Mandy said, her eyes full of panic, as if she knew what I wanted to do to this girl. “You’re very sick, Jack, but everything’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not. You brought her home.”

“I did it for you, Jack. All of them. I did it because you’re sick and you needed them.”

The girl turned and scowled at Mandy. “Wait,” she said, her voice full of attitude, “what do you mean “all” of them? All of who? What, are you fucking “all” of the sisters?”

I kept my eyes locked on the girl, despised everything about her, the way her face crinkled angrily when she spoke, the way she jabbed her finger accusingly in the air. She turned to me, and the anger disappeared, replaced by a contemptuous smile.

“Oh, I get it. Mister—I’m sorry, “Doctor” Psychopath here can’t get his jollies with just one girl, he needs variety—”

“Shut up, god damn you,” I muttered, my fists clenching at my sides, my fingernails buried in my palms.

“Lisa, you have to stop this,” Mandy said, “you have to stop, otherwise Jack is going to do something, isn’t that right, Jack?”

“”Jack” isn’t going to do shit, we all know who wears the pants in this house, don’t we?”

“Stop it,” Mandy continued, “stop it now or you’ll make him do something rash. Jack, it’s okay, you don’t have to do anything, everything will be okay, I know you’re very sick, but—”

“Oh for Christ’s sake,” Mandy taunted, “he’s not going to do shit, he’s a loser, a fucking sick loser—”

“No, Jack, don’t—”

“—stupid-ass loser—”

“—Jack—”

It was like their voices were pounding viciously and ceaselessly against my skull, making my head hurt through and through. Their voices—all I wanted to do was quiet them, to make it all stop. I wanted to fade away, slip back up the stairs, collapse into bed and think about Paulina. Paulina, sweet Paulina, who only spoke when she knew it was appropriate. She was not a slut, she was “not” a slut, she was an angel of a girl who I took advantage of, and now I was paying the consequences, paying dearly with the horrible words pouring out of Lisa’s whorish mouth.

“Jack!”

There was one horrible second, which played through my eyes in slow motion, as I saw the girl’s dirty tongue poke out between her lips in a childishly defiant gesture, and when I made the decision to grab for her, I saw a smile playing on the corners of my wife’s mouth, her eyes twinkling with excitement. She was enjoying it, every second. My hand lashed out and clutched a wad of Lisa’s hair. I dragged her close to me, then forced her down on her knees. She only smiled.

“Ooh, Daddy wants to play rough now. What would poor little Robbie say if he saw you treating his beloved babysitter like this?”

I wanted to shut that awful mouth. With my free hand, I pulled my zipper down.

“Go ahead, Jack,” Mandy said, “do it. Shut her fucking mouth.”

I reached into my pants, pulled my cock out, and though I hadn’t realized it, it had already gotten hard in the past minutes. I couldn’t understand why. Just the sight of this girl made me want to vomit my guts out. In a flash, however, her mouth was on me, and mercifully quiet except for the voracious sucking sounds. My hands still clutching her hair firmly, I watched her red lips engulfing me, wishing they were Paulina’s. I glanced up at my wife, whose eyes locked with mine.

“It’s okay, Jack,” she said, sadness in her eyes, “everything’s okay.”

And then everything changed, the world blurred, grew dim, fuzzy. I saw the next minutes from outside of my body, a third-person looking from the outside in.

There was a sharp knock on the front door, and Mandy opened it.

Paulina. She looked even more emaciated than she had that morning two weeks ealier. Her hair, coarse, unwashed, stringy. Dark patches beneath her eyes, she hadn’t been sleeping. Lips chapped and broken, nails chewed off, skin pale. She was wearing her baggy sorority sweatshirt, and beneath it I could imagine her small, sallow breasts.

Absolutely beautiful. My Paulina.

Her eyes widened in shock when she saw Lisa on her knees before me, and a tiny gasp escaped her lips. Her hand went to clamp over her mouth. I stared back at her, not wanting her to see me like this.

“I’m sorry, Paulina,” I said, “I had to, I’m very sick.”

Lisa pulled her mouth off me with a wet sucking sound and turned to look at Paulina.

“Surprise, surprise,” Lisa said, “another babysitter?”

“Leave,” Paulina uttered, voice rough and gravelly.

“Forget it, Paulie, it’s my job tonight.”

Paulina, God bless her, only glared hatefully at girl. She reached into her back pocket and revealed something I couldn’t quite make out from where I stood. It was Lisa’s turn to be shocked, and she jumped quickly to her feet. My face red with shame, I pulled my cock back into my pants and zipped. Mandy only stayed by the door; none of this seemed to be a surprise to her.

“Paulie, what the hell are you doing with that,” Lisa said, and I could hear panic in her voice, “you know you’re not supposed to take that out of the house.”

“Leave,” Paulina repeated, and I could see through the haze that she was holding a gun. A revolver, snubnose .38 by the look of it. Loaded.

“I’m calling the police,” Lisa said, but she seemed to lack conviction. She very carefully tiptoed to the front door, as if walking quietly would save her from a bullet. But Paulina stepped out of her way, and Lisa, without taking her eyes off the girl, slipped out the front door. As soon as she was gone, Paulina stepped in the house and closed the front door.

She looked at me, her eyes glazed over with tears. “How could you?”

I was speechless. “I—I’m very sick, Paulina, I’m so sorry…”

“Not you,” she said to me, and turned to Mandy, whose eyes widened in horror, and she slowly backed away.

“Paulina, sweetheart, I never meant to—”

“You told me to come here tonight, you bitch.” Paulina had the pistol fixed firmly on Mandy, who held her hands up defensively. “You “knew”, you knew what would happen. How could you do this to me? To “him”?”

For a moment, I thought Mandy was about to cry. I hadn’t seen her cry in years, not since that day in the hospital. She gazed at Paulina with an expression bordering on envy. “I did this because it wasn’t supposed to happen this way,” Mandy said, “he wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you.”

But in a heartbeat, the sadness disappeared from Mandy’s face, replaced by the expression of professionalism I had seen countless times before. It was her psychologist look, her analyst look. She wiped her eyes absently and straightened up again. “Paulina, dear, you’re very sick, now I can help you, but you need to—”

“”Stop talking to me like that, you ugly bitch!”"

There was a deafening pop, and I saw Mandy fall to the floor”. Oh my God, what have I done? “I ran over to my wife, dropped to my knees next to her. I felt numb, but when feeling came back into my body, it was all pins and needles. “This is all my fault”. Blood was quickly pooling on the floor beneath Mandy, and I knew I couldn’t help her. I had seen her bleed like this once before, years ago, during the third month of her pregnancy, but I hadn’t been able to help her then, either.

” ”

“…all my fault”.

” ”

“Mister Ellison, we have some bad news”…

I turned to Paulina, the roaring sound of blood rushing through my head, dizzy, frightened. I didn’t dare turn around, I didn’t dare look and see if Robbie was watching all this from the stairs, because I knew he was. I couldn’t look at him now.

“Paulina, please go call an ambulance,” my voice was calm, but she didn’t seem to hear me. She only stared expressionless at the body of my wife.

“Why did she do it to you, Jack?”

“Paulina…”

“She let you think you were sick for so long, when all you wanted—” her voice choked off and a tear ran down her cheek, “—all you wanted to do was remember. How could she take it away from you?”

“I don’t understand, Paulina. Can you please go call someone? She’ll die.”

“She’s already dead.”

Of course I knew she was right. There was so much blood, and Mandy had turned a ghostly shade of white.

” ”

“Mister Ellison, I’m very sorry, but the baby”…

” ”

“It’s “Doctor” Ellison”…

“All the lies,” Paulina muttered, “and then she made you—” she stopped, her free hand dropping to her belly, an expression of horror passing over her face. I watched dumbly as she raised the pistol, pressed it under her chin.

“God, Paulina, no—”

And there was a flash.

* * *

I remember everything now, standing over the grave of my wife. It’s all beginning to grow blurry, like the memory of a nightmare. Afterwards, the newspaper, the media, called it a love triangle tragically ended. There was no triangle. I loved Paulina, and she loved me.

The sisters of Sigma Sigma Delta never breathed a word. They said everything had been fine, except for Paulina’s behavior, which had grown increasingly erratic over a period of weeks. Even the whore Lisa claimed not to know. It doesn’t matter; Lisa, the other sisters of Sigma Sigma Delta, none of them matter now, they mean nothing.

“Just you and me now, buddy.”

I bend down and carefully place a bouquet of flowers in front of the gravestone. Robbie, as usual, watches me silently, standing off to the side where I can barely see him out of the corner of my eye. But he’s always there. I can’t do it alone; I’ll need to find him another sitter soon.

Mandy, my dear, you’re the only one that understood.

I run my fingers over the lettering engraved in the stone: ‘Amanda E. Ellison, beloved daughter, wife, 1963-2003.’

“You and me now, buddy.”